It feels like you're the worst person in the world,

1. Not being able to make your loved one feel better
2. Being told you couldn't make him feel better
3. Having the facts rubbed in all in one go
4. And being told I am not willing to do it in the first place

Talk about rubbing salt into a fresh wound..

I know I'm not the best person around who can say all the good things to make him feel better. But I've never really known how to, and I tried what I thought I should do.

It was my fault I didn't manage to answer his calls whenever he called, but how was I to know that everytime he calls I would be doing something else? But it was not like I was out having fun, drinking or clubbing. I was after all with my family, running errands and doing bits and pieces of things.

It was my fault my texts seem to offend him more than make him feel secure that he knows what I am doing. Yes, it's true. I dislike having to report every movement and I hate it that whenever I'm about to go on to do something, I have to text beforehand. Sometimes in a hurry/on the road/feeling worn out/whatever, the texts would seem short. But how would you feel if you had been doing the same thing over and over again; and yet that person does not feel like you've been doing anything; and yet that person could get away with it if he doesn't text you?

All of it adds up and it feels literally like I'm a useless pile of cowdung.

And to think that right now till whatever moment that comes next, I am still in the wrong with no reason whatsoever to back me up.



Slowly a voice tells me to give up already.



But I should not. This is after all a time that he feels really down, so I should not be making decisions or judgements based on what is happening NOW.

I don't regard myself as being selfish.. I have pushed aside all those nasty feelings building up in me because I know I should. But just now.. I just couldn't tell.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm deeply hurt. Words can cut you deeper than any other knife.




Sigh. I wish I know what to do.

Hello new argument, and this time because of something I regard a misunderstanding, but he called it a lie. I tried to see it from his perspective and I can understand why it seemed like I lied to him. I can't do anything about it, and ever since then he's been using this against me.

I cannot tolerate the arguments anymore. I tried so hard to keep our relationship going after going through so many different arguments but this is one argument I cannot seem to accept. I had told myself that yes this time I screwed up, I had told a lie even though I didn't mean it.

1. He doesnt listen anymore
Ever since forever he only bothers to shout and scream at me everything, but I never get the chance to defend myself.

2. He trusts his own imaginations
For things I made myself do for him, till this day it was never appreciated. And more and more things are coming up.

3. He is asking me to do something I can't bring myself to do
I know it is my mistake for in the past I have done the same ridiculous thing to him. But I had my reasons and they were clearly there. I am not attempting to defend another guy or whatever.. I just couldn't do it. The consequences would not only affect me, but also affect his image negatively. I don't know if I should do it. I don't want people to look at this problem and look at my own boyfriend and whisper behind him. I don't want people to whisper behind me either. I know he has gone through so much for me but I felt like that was justified because the other person had done those things deliberately.

~~

Sigh the above was written when I was in a fit of anger so right now I don't know if I should still live up to the facts or delete them all and start all over again. But I guess I'll leave them here so next time (should there be any) I won't have to vent all over again all these..

I am trying to hold on. But it is like trying to hold onto a piece of hot rod. Painful and impossible.

I crack my mind trying to think of a way to make things better for us, once and for all. There must be ONE thing we have not done, ONE thing we have put aside & forgotten, just ONE simple thing. Like a miracle, a spell, just one thing that we should be doing but have yet to found out.

I could be tracing rainbows in the sky. For all I know we might not even be destined to be together and yet we are fighting so hard. I can't imagine a life without him, I can't imagine what I will do. I know how it felt to lose him and have him treat me like a friend, and it felt like I could die.

My entry is getting more and more mixed up right now. I don't know what to think, do or say. If I had known I would not be here. If I had known we would not be so.

All this while I had thought that if you fought for something long enough, someone up there would realize it and grant us a smoother road to the future. It just kept getting bumpier.

God, please.

He says I don't care for his feelings. He says I don't understand his feelings. He says it as though I've been a selfish bitch... which I can proudly say I am not.

If I am a selfish bitch, I would not have done what he wants me to do. I listen to him. I do what he wants me to do. I do all these with the hope that he will be happy, that he will be satisfied and feel that I am willing to do all of it, just for him. I do all of this, just for one thing, I want us both to be able to talk nicely, like we always have, on the phone before going to sleep at night. But it has never happened. Things got worse.

The distance is killing us.

He does not trust me. I wish he would. I honestly didn't do anything; why would I even do anything that will make him unhappy? I tell him every single thing that happens during my day if he really wants to know the details. I've got nothing to hide.

All this while I never believed in lies, I never lied. Within the past month, he was the one who have lied to me, and yet, after all the arguments, I trusted him. I never lied, and he doesn't trust me!

Sigh. And yet right now the problem is he doesn't think I understand his feelings. I do. But I have feelings too. Bringing up what happened in the past, and problems that outsiders give us, are ruining everything. I can't believe I let the world shape me into what they want me to become. I already did, I changed much and I was never proud of myself. It made them happier, but not myself. And now, I have to change again? Why me? Why not her? Why isn't anyone saying that she owes me just one apology for every word that came out of her mouth? Or are you going to say that I had it coming for me?

Because I think that's what is missing. I didn't go on harping on the problem, I just acted as though she didn't exist. I got the blame.

She goes on screaming on and on about how I have been treating her -but er.. what treatment? I never "treated" her like anything. Never even bothered. I got the blame.

She goes on harping on the past, bringing up what everyone wishes to forget. I got the blame.

I am hitting a low right now. I don't know how to get my message across anymore. I am losing hope, I am tired of being the only one making mistakes. I am tired of reporting every single thing I do, as if I deserve such treatment. I am tired of looking at his half-hearted texts, listening to his cold voice, being treated like I've done something wrong. I am tired that he listens to the world outside and expects me to do what they want me to do. He never says, "Dear, I think we should" he says, "Dear, I think you should". Weren't we on the same boat all this while? I guess not..

I wish you would trust me, trust me with all your heart. You don't have to be wary of what I do, for I would not lie to you. Lies are the main reasons relationships fail; this is one thing I truly believe in since long ago.

I know you have tried to understand me, and you even said that you understood me. But you don't. You didn't go through what I went through to understand how deep those cuts were. How painful it is to bring it all up. How very hurtful it is to know that at the end of the day, I'm still on my own after all.



Loneliness is not about being alone, having no one around you. Loneliness is about being on my own with the whole world against me.



Try understanding me instead, you bastards, you bitches.

Choking on tears at the back of my throat and resisting my stinging cheeks, I guess at the end of the day nothing hurts worse than what you have said to me.

It made me vulnerable, I feel useless, I feel ashamed, I feel like I've let you down all over again despite my efforts. So my efforts turned out to be childish attempts which failed badly, so my efforts turned out to be stupid actions, so my efforts turned out to be me making a fool outta myself.

I'm hurt. I'm at a low point now as I cry my eyes out, as I try to type out every feeling I remember. I don't know why I said I don't wanna see you when that's the first thing I wanna do in the morning of every day. I don't know why I told you to do whatever you like when in fact that's the last thing I want you to do.

I don't know why the tears keep pouring, it's as though they know what is coming tomorrow and they want me to be stronger for it. But what IS really coming tomorrow? How will tomorrow treat me? Will I be alone? Or will he be with me? Or will he simply be with his friends, drinking and having more fun than he's ever had?

It's selfish of me... but what can I do? It's not like a one-way thing the way we control each other. If I had done the mistakes he did the past few days, it would probably have been worse, but all I did was tell him and argued over it. Ended up with him arguing with me more and me, as usual, crying my eyes out.

And now he's calling me... hearing the ring tone itself is enough to make me cry. Did I answer? No I didn't. I'm uncertain. I don't know if he'll continue to scold me, continue to argue, continue to complain about every imperfection and mistake I've done. I don't think I deserve this. I really don't think so. Now I've missed 3 of his calls. If I pick up now it'll start with him telling me off. Should I still answer? Or is it too late, just like our relationship had been?

Uncertainties fill up my mind now. I really don't know what to do anymore. I wish he could read this so I don't have to crack my mind thinking of a better way to say all of it. At the same time I'm afraid if he ever finds whatever I wrote here -he would feel angrier and things will get worse.

I wish someone out there could send me a word of encouragement or simply a sad smiley :( just to say they understand what I'm going through and I should be strong.

But how could it be ever possible with this being so private, and how could it be ever possible when no one bothers to listen to me anymore? It always end up sounding like I'm whining over the same thing over and over again but the fact is I'm not. Every problem and argument we have are unique and of its own. Every one of them had its own solutions, not all of it point to breaking up. We can't just group our problems into categories and call it a day, proud of the "hard" work we've done. That's not how a relationship works.

How, then, does a relationship work?




I really haven't found out, but maybe at the end of my life when the light dawns on me, I could tell :)

Crying. Although it's totally hopeless and totally useless and doesn't help a bit.

Been so long since tears fell because of him. No... nothing big happened. Stupid stuff that I thought would actually bring us closer is tearing us apart.

Why can he be so sensitive with me, complaining about tiny things...? Why can't I? When I say a lil bit he gets agitated and mad and I'll regret ever spilling a word.

Why is it ever so unfair ever since we got back together. Maybe it's because I hurt him bad, but still... I've got feelings too. Whenever I try to tell him about MY feelings, he tend to say, "What about me? Do you care about MINE?"

I do. But he doesn't think so. He doesn't feel so. Every word out of his mouth would hurt me so bad that I have nothing to say anymore.

It breaks my heart to know that I'm holding on to something so difficult to hold on to. A few years back I would probably be saying I'll rather be found dead than to be trampled over by a boyfriend.

I am, now. But he's making it seem like I'm trampling over him.


No matter how much effort I put in, no matter what I do for him... it all seems like nothing at all.


I hope he knows. There are so many things that he does not realize. When I cook for him, when I bake, when I blog about, when I spent time with, when I was buying his present; there was so much effort, so much thought, and I put so much of my heartfelt emotions into doing every single little thing.


And I hope one day it will occur to me... how I can make it all work.



xxx

It's weird for me to be blogging here right now. I created this blog with the mindset that this is where I go to complain, to rant and to type out all the emotions bugging me. I created this blog to be another option for me, when I cannot possibly type out a similar entry in my other blog.

I feel like I'm using this blog and sometimes felt guilty for it. Wtf. It's crazy but I guess it's because I'm emotionally attached to her (Yes I do regard this blog as something female-ish). I mean, obviously, right? She knows my deepest secrets, my deepest emotions. She knows how I feel deep inside. She listens, she does not talk. She does not advise either. She just sits here everyday. If I go to her, she is open for me. If I don't, she does not complain.

Yes I'm going insane right now.


Anyway, yeah. Right now I'm happy, really happy in my relationship. Which is why I felt weird about blogging here. There are so many eyes watching my blog. Watching my actions. Watching my steps. Watching as my relationship deteriorates and rejoicing, even though it's none of their fucking businesses anyway -_-

So I thought, why not write another entry here? At least one day when I read back, it wouldn't seem as though my relationship is filled with only tears of sorrow! Fair much?

I feel so free, typing out whatever I wanna type here. Ohmigosh, it's been so long since I felt like this! I still wonder why and when did my blog become so public. I am not famous or anything... but still, the number of people reading my blog is slowly making me turn away from blogging about things too personal. It's weird. Because hey, isn't this supposed to be MY personal blog? MY space to rant in? MY fucking possession, not yours?

Oh well, I guess it was my own fault anyway. Promoting my blog in MSN, pages such as Facebook and all.

It doesn't matter what you say, really. You can tell the whole world, you can type out in blocks, saying, "HEY THIS IS MY PERSONAL BLOG. SO WHAT I WRITE HERE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. SO SHUT UP AND STOP TALKING ABOUT ME". And at the end of the day, it's no use. The mouths belong to other people, the typing fingers belong to other people. People will still talk. People will still spread that very rumour. People will still spread the news.

So if you don't want people talking about you, then keep the news from your so-called personal blog which has just turned public :) Hmm, what a piece of advice. Lol.

If you really don't want people talking about you, keep the gossips and juicy stuff away from your friends as well. Yes, even the closest ones. Confide only in your own bff. No one else, but one person you can trust.

Why am I typing this out here when no one's reading anyway? Geez I'm outta my mind!

But I guess this will serve as a reminder for me, should I get my heart broken again. But I know for sure, this time it will not happen anymore. For some reason, I just do. But then again, I tend to jinx stuff by being too confident. Argh. I'm gonna prove I'm not jinxing anything, I'm gonna prove this is for real.

I love him; he loves me. What could go wrong? Loads, I know. That's why we gotta work things out, take one step at a time and who knows we might have a happy ending one day :)



xxx

Am I supposed to feel this way?

I've been feeling so down... thinking it might just be because I had to give in to him so much. Then I told myself that it's alright! It's alright because I'm doing it for the relationship, for us, for him, for myself! What could go wrong?

I promised that I should not demand too much anymore, as it is a new beginning... He told me that I should give him time. That it's too fast for every single thing to go right, in such a short time.

But it seemed that everyday, whatever I say and whatever I long for... He would just snap at me, shout at me and scold me non-stop. It has been going on for the whole week, and it pains me. He has been harsh with me, not just once. But many times.

When I tell him that, he just says that it's because of this and because of that. All the tiny excuses, all the reasons that doesn't seem to make much sense. All of it don't actually have to end up with tears streaming down my face.

I don't know what to say anymore, as I have gave in so much. I don't know what to do anymore. He's not letting any of my opinions in. He's just shut closed and all he seems to care is about what he thinks. And when he finally realizes that I am truly hurt, he would say that he is sorry. What can I do? How can I let him know?

Weren't we supposed to be slowly talking things out, slowly making things right? Instead, he's just snapping at me whenever I tell him how I feel. While I always have to listen to him when HE is talking.

Now all I do is keep my own feelings to myself. All I can do is cry, on my own.


Sigh.



Love,
Me.

I used to say I need time.

Now he says he need time.

And now I understand how incredibly insecure it makes me feel. I am finally in his shoes. But what will he do now?

Time... I will give him time. That's what everyone would say. Just give him time.


And mend my own wounds while I'm at it... I might as well get things over with. Should I start moving on, to protect myself?

In a duration of three weeks, so much has happened.

I threw everything away, got it all back... then I threw it all away again and now it all came back.

All I can say is... this time, I'm really going to work on our relationship. I'm going to change. I'm going to make sure that I do not lose him anymore.

It hurts us both so much to be going through all those pain... and now we're back together, we both know we BOTH have to work real hard to make this relationship go well.

Till then, pray for me and bless my relationship.



xxx

You seem to care... but you don't seem to care as well.

You seem to have hope... but later on you say there seems to be no hope.

You talk to me like you still love me... but what's the point if you're not thinking it over anymore? Shouldn't we be moving on?

I will not lie. To anyone else, or to you either.

I loved you with all my heart, and at this very moment I love you even more. It's cliched to say that you'll never know what you have until you lost it; and I finally learnt the real lesson, the hard way. You have not lost me. I have lost you.

I have always been there. Waiting for your texts, crying and hoping that you will call. I have always waited for you to say that you still love me and we will be together.

But no, it has never happened.

I wished I could just tell you about this blog. I wish I can spill out all these words to you. But my heart cannot take more disappointments, I cannot accept more rejections. I cannot bear more pain.

I keep writing; because I cannot keep it inside of me.


Till then... do take care of yourself. And I'll take care of myself.

xxx